Monkey Branching

4.5 months post break-up. Not gonna lie, I’m not sure how I survived. This break-up did a number on me… it messed me up more than when my father died.

Oof. Betrayal trauma is a unique beast, even more painful and soul crushing when you possess abandonment wounds from childhood.

I haven’t been perfect when it comes to no contact. I sent him a meme once (he left me on read, thank god). I’ve pain-shopped as recently as tonight (both him AND his new gal have public IG accounts… FREAKS!). But really, who is perfect? Practice some self compassion.

Earlier tonight I was on the phone with a friend. I started crying, explaining that I felt it was so unfair that he gets to be happy with the woman he monkey branched to, while I am still grieving months later. My friend burst out laughing and said, “He’s not happy. Happy people don’t do what he did to you”.

The tears instantly stopped. I finally got it.

Monkey branchers aren’t happy. Sure, they may be experiencing “happiness” right now because of the neurotransmitter “cocktail” they’re using another person to concoct, but that’s not TRUE happiness. People like this are emotionally immature, INCAPABLE of happy, healthy, intimate relationships and INCAPABLE of being alone.

Tonight I stopped blaming myself. This man is not - and was NEVER - on my level. The rejection was protection.

Again, it took me almost five months to get to this point. Five months to actually believe the words that my friends were telling me. Five months to stop seeing myself as “not enough”.

Finally, after months of praying for the pain to stop I have some respite.

I never thought I would see this fucking day come.